Cabin Fever
by Monkey Ruler
Summary: She is a normal girl, from a normal world, that is pulled into insane world of pirates, angels, and hot men. And just what you would expect when a Supernatural fan gets to live in the show, no one is safe from gay jokes. mentions of SamxGabriel Dean/Cas
1. Shiver Me Timbers

It is nighttime.

She is a normal girl-no, _woman-_sleeping off the hangover of her twenty first birthday. Yesterday wasn't her first drink by far, but being able to do so openly with a real ID and with no little amount of enthusiasm led her to... overindulge. She is a woman, now, a happily boozing woman, and wonders what life has in store for her.

She will soon regret this happiness.

She wakes up tied to a pole with a bunch of ugly, hairy men leering at her and a big, blue, endless ocean surrounding them. Her wrists itch where the rope is constricting her and she's reminded of horrid field trips spent sitting on _hay stacks _of all things and is pissed, because on top of all of this bullshit is this rocking movement she can't adjust to because she is _tied up _on a _boat_.

Her hangover is gone, but she thinks nothing of it when compared to being _tied to a pole_.

Angry, she kicks at the ugly man closest to her, and the other men laugh as he clutches his hopefully broken jaw. He snarls at her, and she notices a few silver teeth shining amongst the dirt and rot that is his mouth.

They all have swords.

She is surrounded by pirates.

"This isn't _anything _like the Disney Ride."

"What is that wench goin' on about? Someone tie 'er voice up, too."

She rolls her eyes and throws up in her mouth a little bit from the cloth they stuffed her mouth with. She sends angry hate-waves at the crew and wonders why her wish to vanish into the Supernatural world didn't come true. Jensen and Jared would have been more inclined to save her.

"Is that a maiden in distress I hear?" Cries a dramatic voice and she rolls her eyes. This was the strangest, real-feeling dream she'd ever had.

The hero _leaps _onto the ship, sword brandished towards the sky, and her jaw drops.

"Richard Speight Jr.?" She yells, but comes out sounding more like "Mmrf Mmph Hmmr?"

"Yes, it is I, Captain John Robin! Come at me, ye dirty heathens!" He waves his sword around and engages in some elaborate swordplay with the dirty pirates.

While the pirates were sufficiently occupied with John Robin, someone snuck up on her from behind and sliced through the ropes holding her. She whipped around to see her rescuer and would have screamed if she weren't gagged. Jared Padelecki?

He put a finger to his lips once he took the gag off, and winked in a manner that was more reminiscent of the Trickster than the brooding Sam Winchester that she was familiar with.

"Where the hell am I?" She whispered as he scooped her up into his arms (and if that wasn't a swoon-worthy moment she didn't know what was,) and leapt off of the boat and onto another, larger, and more hygienic one.

What the hell was with the leaping?

"Captain John Robin's ship. Isn't it wonderful?" He asked with all the eagerness of a child, "I'm Sam. Who're you?"

"In a seriously _cracked _up dream."

"No worries, young maiden. We are away from those dastardly uncouth individuals." Richard Speight Jr. appears before the two, popping in front of them almost as if he was still the trickster (was he?) and grinning.

"Who the hell are you supposed to be?"

"Captain John Robin. Pirate captain extraordinaire!"

"… Right. And Sam?"

"My first mate! Loyal Sam Winchester. Rescued him from the boredom of his life." He leaned forward and whispered to her, "He was a _scholar_."

"Oh really?" She asks, amused, after deeming him harmless.

"Yes, fair maiden. From where do you hail from?"

"America."

"That god-awful place?" Sam wrinkles his nose. "Good thing you're with us now, then."

Captain Robin throws an arm around Sam's shoulders, and the large man looks up at him with a smile. She investigates this phenomenon by looking down at the ground and seeing that where Gabriel is standing is raised by a few feet.

"So what can you contribute to the ship?" Captain Robin asks, puffing his chest up a bit.

She's a little startled by this change of the conversation, but figures she'd rather be on this ship than dead in the waters or a slave bought by some noble.

"I can cook?"

"Excellent! Our last cook got thrown overboard. And he couldn't whip up a good pie to save his life. You can make pie, right?" She nods, "Sammy here will show you to your quarters."

"Yeah." She shakes her head at the strangeness of it all, "After all that kidnapping and leaping," and drinking, "I'm exhausted."

* * *

><p>She wakes up tied to a chair.<p>

"Oh fuck." Not _again._

"Right. So how the hell did you get here?"

"Where is here?" She looked around her and saw a shabby room with godawful curtains and two hunks of men standing in front of her, "Jensen Ackles? Jared? Not that I don't appreciate the eye candy, but why the _hell _would I _want_ to show up in some ratty motel like this?"

"What did you call us?" The two exchanged glances.

"Let me guess." She said dryly, "Sam and Dean Winchester?"

"What of it? What are you?" The one that looked like Dean asked, "Cause we tried every trick in the book and you sure as hell haven't reacted to anything."

"She is human." Says a voice from behind them, giving the boys a slight start. She knew that voice.

"Misha?" Sexy?

"I am unfamiliar with that identity." He circles around to face her, standing side by side with the brothers and peering at her.

"Castiel? Jimmy? Sociopathic Paul? Big Dick Manny? I'm running out of names here, so just pick one that you like."

"Castiel will suffice."

"So she's a smartass." Dean deduced.

"Isn't everybody here." Sam muttered, "What do you mean she's human? She showed up passed out in the back of the Impala. If she's not a trap to have us let our guard down then I don't know who is."

"Yeah," Dean adds, "Ruby's dead." He shook his head before having a mental epiphany, "Wait a second. You said that I was Jensen, right? Jensen Ackles? And he's Jared Pandinski?"

"Padelecki, yes." She raises an eyebrow.

"Yeah, sure, whatever. And Cas is some pansy-ass actor called Misha?"

"You are correct."

"And we're all actors." Dean scoffs.

"Not here, you're not." She mutters to herself before speaking up, "Yes, you're all actors."

"And I was some soap opera star and Sam-_Jared _is married to _Ruby_?"

"And you're married to this hot model blond." Dean looks a little smug, "I know you more from Dark Angel," His nose wrinkles at the mention of angels, "but I think you were in some soap opera. You're more of a dork now, though. You voiced a character on Batman! I think Misha won in the spouse department, honestly. Not many wifey's write books _promoting _threesomes."

"Wait, what?" Sam shakes his head. Dean stops listening at 'super-cool hottie' but then starts in surprise at the mention of threesomes. He gives Castiel a curious look.

"This is a fake world again, isn't it." She sighs, "You two think you're Winchesters. I saw the latest episodes. I know what shit goes down and what alternate worlds you end up playing in."

"Wait, what do you mean by it being a fake world _again_?" Sam, ever the lawyer, picked up on details the others didn't.

"There was some weird-ass place before I woke up here. You," She nodded towards Sam, "And Richard Speight Jr. in some fucked up Pirates of the Caribbean situation."

"Who?"

"Richard? Gabriel, the arch-angel. Loki. The only non-douchey archangel. Short stock. Fun-sized Fun Lord. The Trickster All-Mighty?"

"Gabriel's alive?" Castiel looks down at her and she wonders how someone can have eyes that big and blue. And they say Sam had the puppy-eyes.

"Calls himself Captain John Robin, and claims he saved Sam over here from a life of being a scholar." She looks at Sam and snorts, "He made you into a regular Kiera Knightley, and he's Orlando Bloom, Johnny Depp, and Peter fucking Pan all wrapped up into one short package in a pirate suit. You make a hilarious bitch. But Dean probably would've been funnier."

"What is it with acting like a son of bitch whenever we tie people up?" Dean asks Sam, "You'd think rope would make them nicer."

"You usually tie up demons, or beings you assume are demons. That may be why you are unused to hospitable captives." Castiel explains, still not understanding a rhetorical question even after he'd been with them for so long.

Sam shook his head.

"So how did you end up here?"

"Wished on a falling star for a more exciting life while unbelievably drunk. Or I'm just dreaming." She shook her head, "These ropes are starting to chafe. Can you untie me now?"

"That's a first." Sam said, ignoring the rope burn she was suffering from. Some nurturing side he was supposed to have.

"Shooting star? There's not even magic back in that world. How the hell did a fucking _shooting star _work there?"

"Beats me." She shrugged, looking down at the ground and noticing both ancient markings and a ring of darkness surrounding it. Dean's lighter is in his hand. Is the darkness holy oil, or did Dean just piss in a circle to intimidate her? His fly is undone.

God, she had no life. Oh wait, was God real now that she was here? Was it God that brought her here? Why was she even here in the first place? Should she convert to Christianity, so if she died here she'd have somewhere to go?

She decides to have her mind stop heading in questions she wouldn't get any of the answers to and decides to bug the boys instead.

"You were Gabriel's first mate."

"What?" Sam almost squeaked.

Dean snorted.

"Sam's his butt-pirate?"

"Yup. From the noble house of Winchester, snatched up and set into a life of adventure. It's really like a soap opera, once you get down to it. Couldn't have scripted it better myself."

Castiel leaned forward and stared into her eyes.

"You are a peculiar human."

Dean cleared his throat.

"Personal space, Cas, we've talked about this." She didn't mind.

She ignores the bickering in favor for the sudden wrenching in her stomach.

"I feel sick." She says, and if she weren't tied up she'd be clutching her gut.

"Oh fuck. She's not going to throw up, is she?" They've ruined enough hotel rooms to last a lifetime.

"There is something familiar tugging on her soul." Castiel cocks his head to the side and leans in closer, staring at her despite her eyes being screwed shut and her body hunched over.

"My soul is in my stomach?" She groans.

"Angels access souls through the chest cavity." Castiel explains, but she's only struggling to keep those gravelly tones in her mind, not to understand what he's saying, "I have heard it is unpleasant."

And she wakes up to another Sam shaking her.

She's in a bed, not tied up, and wishing it really were Johnny Depp who's ship she was on and not Gabriel's, or Robin's, or whoever she was supposed to call him. Because the ship is shaking and there's yelling all around her and she's sure that Captain Jack's ship had more rum and less attacks, despite how many times the thing sunk in the movies.

"What the fuck is going on?"

"We're caught in the crossfire. I'm supposed to keep you safe."

"What? Crossfire between who?"

"The angels and demons."

"You're shitting me."

Sam grins sheepishly and grabs her hand, pulling her out of the room, dodging the various things being thrown around and dragging her down a flight of stairs.

"So _this _is where all the alcohol was at."

He pays no mind to the crates of liquid goodness surrounding them and instead hovers over her with his freakish height, even after he forces her to crouch down with him. She wasn't that short, but compared to him her 5"4 felt like she was suffering from dwarfism.

"Captain Robin comes from a big family. There's a lot he hasn't told me, but the two out there fighting are his brothers."

"Let me guess, Michael and Lucifer?"

"Are you psychic? Is that why those pirates captured you?" She shakes her head.

"Lucky guess. So the angels and demons?"

"Just nicknames. Michael is from the navy, and Lucifer rapes and pillages his way across the Caribbean."

"And you guys?"

"We may steal a bit, but I'm pretty sure we're the good guys of the situation. We don't get noticed, at least. This was just unlucky timing."

"So which side is the Captain on?"

"None. The two are always fighting, and Gabriel just tries to stay out of the way."

"Isn't he the hero?" She notices the slip-up, but doesn't say anything.

"There is no hero. Not for that battle, at least. Just a lot of lost lives."

"So he doesn't do anything? What about all the people being hurt?"

"They're his brothers." He offers as an answer, and the two wait for the firing to stop.

She knows where she is now, and although she wasn't exactly sure why she was here, she knew what she needed to do.

Back home she was an expert in getting her friends to _man the fuck up_. She was practically a certified professional. If the reality TV producers got a whiff of her, she'd be on that intervention show 24-7. And right now, she needs one arch-angel to _man the _**_fuck_**_ up._

* * *

><p>"That was random." Dean said using the butt of his rifle to nudge the chin of the chick asleep in the chair they tied her to. She wasn't so bad looking, as far as chicks went, and any chick that had skimpy Wonder Woman pajamas, short red top and starry booty shorts, was either a geek or just fucking awesome.<p>

Castiel squints his eyes at her.

"It was grace that pulled her mind from her body." He straightened himself up and looked at the brothers with his wide eyes, "I believe that, wherever she is, it is Gabriel's doing."

"Isn't it about time for him to show up now? If it is Gabriel that's behind it." Sam asks.

"This isn't Trickster material at all." Dean complained, "What's his M.O.?"

"I do not know. But if Gabriel truly is alive and powerful, then this changes _everything._"

Castiel disappears before the brothers can respond.

* * *

><p>Once the ship is steady again, she's allowed back up to where all the sunshine is and she's carrying a pint of rum with her.<p>

"Thanks," Gabriel says, taking her mug and downing it all in one gulp.

"Asshole." She mutters.

"What? You love me. I'm the _hero_." Gabriel rolls his eyes as if it were silly of her to think otherwise.

"Yeah. Sure. Captain, can I speak to you in private?"

He waggles his eyebrows, "To the Captain's room then."

She rolls her eyes but follows him anyway.

"You need to wake up, Gabriel." She says, once they're alone.

"Excuse me? It's Captain John Robin." He asks, taking off his hat and looking at her amusedly, "I'm awake right now."

"You are living in a dream. You need to get back to your reality."

"And where is that, little girl?"

"Not this bad pirate movie, for one."

"Hey! This _bad pirate _saved your life!"

"And Kali? You saved her, too, didn't you?" She pulls on whatever she remembers of him from the show and hopes none of it is just shit she made up in her head,, "And Sam, and Dean, and _thousands _of others as a consequence. Why are you running away from them now?"

"I'm not running from anything." He crosses his arms and glares at her. She almost pauses for a second, realizing that this is an _arch-angel, _one badass holy motherfucker that could smite her in a second. But it's that realization that spurs her on, knowing that something so powerful and so _good _is hiding and licking his wounds. It's a waste.

"You've spent half of your existence running! But you died a _hero, _Gabriel. Out of all the arch-angels, you're the one that was _good_. You're the one that was brought back. Why are you wasting it, living in this fantasy world?"

If this were a movie, that would've been the speech that ended it. But this was not a movie. A crappy book series in this world and a television show in hers, both with cult-worthy followings, yes, but not a movie.

And it seemed to run on shitty luck.

So she was locked in the brig.

"Fucking _coward!_" She shrieks, sitting down on the bench/bed provided for her and pouting.

* * *

><p>When she wakes up again, this time it's on a hard bed, softer than a wooden bench but still rather uncomfortable, with the smell of burgers wafting through her senses.<p>

"Mm. Fast food?" She mumbles, opening her eyes and seeing the Winchester brothers having a meal together. How heart-warming.

"Got you a burger, in case you woke up."

"So I didn't disappear? Just looked like I was sleeping, then?"

"Yeah, you… What's your name, sweetheart?" Dean flashes a smile as soon as the food in his mouth is swallowed and she's put at ease, despite being in a room with two full-grown strangers.

"Elizabeth. Elizabeth Stam." This is the first time they're asking her name for all the ages she's felt like she's been here. Back in Gabriel's head, she's just 'young maiden'. It's kind of refreshing.

"So where'd you disappear to this time? The moon?"

"Naw. Gabriel's fantasy world still."

"Oh, like his TV Land?"

"I fucking wish. He's still playing Captain John Robin."

"And he's still after Sam's booty?" Dean snorts despite the punch to the arm Sam gives him.

"No offense, Sam, but Gabriel has made you into even more of a dork than I think you really are. You two have a gay love going like nobody's business if the swooning looks are anything to go by." Sam chokes on his fries. "But I think he might've been the one to bring me here. Like, he was trying to just get a 'young maiden' to rescue but actually got a real girl instead. I dunno. Maybe it was God. This is all fucked up in so many kinds of ways."

"I don't want to know any of this."

Elizabeth tilts her head to the side, "Really, Sammy?" she ignores the obligatory correction to his name, "Because I don't see Dean there, or Cas, or hell, even _Kali. _The only others recognizable in that world are Michael and Lucifer, and even then they're just ships firing at each other from miles away. I think he has a little crush on you."

Dean laughs again, this being just the humor he needed after such a crappy life, and Sam pulls a bitchface that says he is _not amused_.

"Deny it all you want, but you beat Dean. He may have been Heaven's chosen or what the hell ever, but you got an archangel in love with you."

"Gabriel is _not _in love with me."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Not even the teensiest bit? I mean, even watching the show I could tell he swung both ways. Hell, for a bit there I was wondering if he was going to go for Dean. Until that bit when he killed him a hundred times over. All for _you, _Sammy."

Dean was no longer amused.

"Listen, sweetheart-"

"No, _you _listen. I'm trying to convince him to come back, but if he does I don't want him disappearing again." He was her favorite character, after all, "He needs to be Gabriel again, not some cheesy Xena-reject scouring the seven seas, because Gabriel is badass and Xena is a fun show, but it is for lesbians and horndogs and Karl Urban obsessors and Richard Speight Jr. is _neither_. And so you guys'll have to help him out, because I wouldn't trust him with a God after everything that happened, Pagan or otherwise, and Heaven isn't fit for him, either. He needs familiar humans. Then he can go fight Cas' war."

"What are you, his fucking social worker? We don't take orders from you."

"I was a psych major before I dropped out."

"You're a dropout too?"

She could tell the brothers were thinking about better times, if the dark moods they were showing were anything to go by.

"Cooking was my real calling. I make pastries in a bakery my friend owns." She sighs wistfully, missing the smell of eggs, butter, and flour baking together to form yummy pastry goodness.

"Are they any good?" Dean asks, his demeanor suddenly changing.

"The fucking best. Because I've been obsessing over making the perfect crust since grade school."

Dean salivates at the thought of a perfect pie.

"So, Gabriel has me locked up in the brig right now for trying to get him to see reason." She says casually, swinging out of the bed and stretching. Dean makes a poor attempt to disguise his perversion, but even _she _notices how his eyes eat anything up. Atleast he's feeling better. He hadn't gotten laid on the show in awhile. "Because if that boy's good at anything, it's living in denial."

She surveys the boys. He wasn't the only one on the show who lived in denial. And was that Sam Winchester _blushing?_

This might've just been a dream, but it was a pretty damn interesting one.

* * *

><p>Author's Note: Excuse all grammar mistakes, please, I only read through it a few times.<p> 


	2. When You're a Professional Pirate

When she's woken up and dressed in one of Dean's shirts and her old shorts she tied at the waist in an attempt to seem fashionable (so she's a chick. sue her,) all three go shopping. For food. She has to _earn _her clothes.

Sam tries to help by picking out a pre-baked Betty Crocker crust, and Dean laughs when she scoffs in his face. She hasn't had a pre-baked crust since she was in college and had no patience or time or food processor.

She still has no food processor, but she is armed with a fork and a good grip.

When she proves that she can make a "damn-good" apple pie (secret ingredient? Ginger. Blew Dean's mind,) they agree to buy some clothes for her, because flip flops and pajama shorts weren't cutting it. She now has a pair of boots and some nice cigarette pants from Urban Outfitters, along with other pretty things but mostly the _cigarette pants_. She thanked "Dave Hope" and whatever illegal things Dean had to do to acquire that fake credit card.

And seeing the brothers in Hipsterville was hilarious. They looked so uncomfortable. It was as if they had never set foot in a clothing store. Hell, they probably never have. Maybe Sam has, but Dean has probably only gotten clothes from hardware stores and garage sales. She almost had a heart attack a couple months back when she went to pick up some paint from OSH and saw a _clothing _section.

It was especially hilarious when everyone started fawning over the boys with her walking right in the middle of the two. She had to laugh into Sam's elbow a few times so she didn't look that crazy.

All was good in her fantasy world, becoming personal chef to the Winchester boys as they took a little break from the supernatural to have a little slice of an apple-pie life, or atleast their variation of a normal life while investigating the supernatural that was her existence.

She fed the two gnocchi and tiramisu while Sam researched her mysterious appearance and Dean watched America's Next Top Model.

Fuck yeah.

* * *

><p>She wakes up with the <em>biggest <em>crick in her neck and hates Gabriel with a fucking passion.

Making her sleep on a wooden bench? Really? With the Winchesters she got a whole bed to herself. Sam slept on a _couch _because the two were so chivalrous. And now she's waking up in a prison because Gabriel is in denial.

"If I die down here, I'm going to haunt you!" She yells to the air, "And I don't mean like, 'boo, I'm a ghost! Be scared!' Nah! Fuck that! I'm going to stare at you, all bloody-like, then I'm going to haunt your family, and your family's friends and everyone you know until they kill themselves and join in on the fun! I will become a poltergeist and hide my body in ten feet of cement so you can never destroy me!"

"Geez, no need to be so violent!" Gabriel comes down the stairs to the brig carrying a tray of sweets.

How thoughtful.

"Why am I in here?" She asks, accepting the tray through the little slot in the iron bars and nibbling on a Danish.

He ignores her actual question and instead starts venting.

"Sammy says I shouldn't keep you here."

"And I wholeheartedly agree with him on that."

"He's really righteous like that, Sammy is. I mean, he's done a million bad things in his life but he still manages to come out looking like a boy scout, doesn't he?"

She nods, ignoring the historical inaccuracies his whole existence is proving to be when compared to the actual time he's pretending to live in. She wonders how he's doing everything so wrong, when he must have _lived _through this time and all, but maybe it's because he's lived through so much they're all muddled together now. Hell knows she doesn't remember how she survived without a cellphone before.

She's psychoanalyzing an archangel.

"That's what he's there for, isn't he? The little angel on your shoulder?" Pun entirely intended.

She spends the whole day playing therapist to Gabriel, and at the end of the day gets her own room, minus the wooden brig bench. It's actually pretty comfy.

They've had a whore or two on the ship before, so there's an extra nightie for her to sleep in. It smells like soap, so she decides to trust the whore nightie.

He says the next time they're at port, they'll get her some dresses.

She is beyond excited to play dress-up in period clothing.

* * *

><p>"So you got used to us pretty easy." Dean says, taking a huge bite of the pie from the other day. That is his breakfast. He is happy right now.<p>

"You think so?" She asks, scrolling the internet for dinner recipes while Sam is in the shower. She _does not _think about his six pack.

"Well, yeah. Most people are still shaking after their first experience with a monster. You seem pretty put-together."

"Well, I'm still half-thinking this is all a dream, but the other half is going nuts thinking that I'm already dead and this is some fucked up limbo I'm existing in. Maybe it was alcohol poisoning. And maybe I'm here because the day before my birthday I had a Supernatural marathon."

"Supernatural? That's our show, right?"

"Yeah."

"You a big fan then?" He gives her a cocky little smirk.

"Totally. I pirated _all _your shit, man."

"Nice. We popular? Back at your place?"

"You have a very powerful fanbase. And a very female one at that."

Dean cringes, remembering Becky. This girl didn't seem that crazy, though. It was probably the eyes. Becky's were all scary and big, but this girl's were always at half mast, as if she didn't care about anything. And she made pie. And when he made references that even the Dork Lord little brother didn't understand, she laughed. She was turning out to be one very cool chick.

"So which one's the more popular one? Me or him?" Dean leans in to whisper conspiratorially.

"You're really asking me that?"

"Well, yeah. I mean, it's _me_, right?" Gotta be him.

"They all love you equally." She says in a very benevolent fashion.

"Bull_ crap_."

"Fine, fine, fine. You know the DVD covers? To your seasons and all that?"

"Yeah?"

"I noticed that you're always standing in the front."

"Cause I'm the more important one, right?" Dean gave a cheeky grin, "The big brother."

"Nah." She smirks, "You're just short."

She then laughs at the disappointed look on Dean's face.

"Come _on_."

"You're both equally popular. Yeah, some prefer one over the other, but that's just who they'd rather have in their bed."

"And you?"

She shares a flirty grin with him and wants to tell him how sexy she thinks he is. And it's only a dream, so she really does consider it.

But she's never done stuff like that without it being a joke for her, and she's pretty sure that even though it's a dream, her mind would give her STDs.

So she goes for her second favorite, because everyone had the Supernatural characters ranked out in their mind.

"I think Castiel is sexy as fuck."

"What? _Cas?_ Out of everyone in this world, you think _Cas _is hot?"

"Yeah. Don't you?"

"Uh, _no. _Because I'm a guy."

She puts her Cas face on, "But he gripped you tight, and raised you from perdition."

"See, that?" He points at her, an inch from her face, "That is why we don't travel with chicks."

"Because we see everything too clearly?" She narrows her eyes.

"No, because you're all full of crap that doesn't _exist_."

"We see shit that's _real_," She insists, "_Real shit._"

"Bullshit."

"Shut your mouth. I have women's intuition."

"Women's _bullshit_."

She glares at him.

Then she takes his pie out from under him and stalks off to whatever semblance of a kitchen the motel room had. She thought about throwing it out, but she just put it back in the fridge. Then stood in front of the fridge as he glared at her.

"Give me the pie." He growls, going up to her and glaring down and _goddamn _his eyelashes are long. She is surrounded by hot actors only they are _real life people_.

"Not until you admit that you and Cas," She puts her Cas face back on, "Share a _deep and profound bond_."

"Chicks here aren't _nearly _as annoying as you. You are _twisting my words _like a... like a snake. Like a demon snake or something. You _monster_."

"Stop being a little _bitch_. Cas is your broho."

"Where the hell did you learn to talk?"

"College. We act stupid to make up for all the information they shove in our heads."

"Really?"

"Hey, this isn't television. We are immature and insulting and-"

"Gay, apparently."

"Good that you finally admitted it!" She smiles and pats him on the shoulder.

He snaps, grabs her by the waist, and lifts her into the air.

"H-hey! What are you doing!"

"Ah-Shit! Did you _scratch me_!"

"I'll do it again, motherchucker!"

"I've gotten worse from a _ghoul_."

"You-Don't pinch me, bitch! That hurts!"

"Love hurts."

"Is that what Castiel says whenever he's in your ass?"

A growl.

A crash.

Silence.

Sam has been afraid to come out of the bathroom for ten minutes now.

He hopes he doesn't walk into something where he'd have to see more of his brother than he wants to.

He cracks open the door, takes a peak, and then closes the door again. After taking a breath, he opens it right back up and walks out.

"Dean?" He asks, looking between him and the unconscious body he was carrying in his arms.

"She fell asleep." Dean says as way of explanation. Then looks at her a little curiously, "Her eyes had a little flash of grace in them."

* * *

><p>She wakes up to Gabriel shaking her awake.<p>

"Get your crab fingers away from me, neanderthal!" She slaps his hand away before she takes in her surroundings. "Oh. Gabriel. Whaddup, brah?"

"You missed it." Gabriel pouts.

"Missed what?"

"Everything! You slept through it all!"

"...Everything?" Gabriel is giving her a puppy dog look. It is very disturbing.

"Sam's gone!"

"Gone?"

"Lucifer kidnapped him! And Michael's about to blow the ship down for good!"

"Gabe, Gabe," She takes his head into her shoulder, cradling him as best she can despite her small frame, and he sinks onto her bed. "Relax. Where's Dean?"

"Dean?"

"Sam's brother. I know he has to be here somewhere."

"He's in Michael's brig. Caught trying to get back Sammy." He looks up at her, "They'll destroy each other."

"Listen, Gabriel, they're not going to die. Sam and Dean are eternal."

"No," Gabriel shakes his head, "They're fleeting. Mortal. Mike and Lucie's hate is what's going to burn everything up. The whole ocean will dry up and still their flames will keep going."

"Not if you lock them in the box."

"The box?" Gabriel is confused.

"The cage. Devil hole, remember?"

Gabriel looks a little more confident, "Davey Jones' Locker."

"Exactly. Now how are we going to do that while getting Sam and Dean out of the ships?"

"Oh, Dean'll be easy. Their security system sucks." Gabriel winks, "We've got a man on the inside right now."

"And Sam? What about Crowley? He doesn't want to get sucked up in Lucifer's shit."

"How do _you _know that?" Gabriel is suspicious.

"I know things, alright? Women's intuition."

Gabriel nods, convinced.

"Unexpected, but alright. Let's send him a message then." He pulls out a pen and paper, the pen being a big fluffy feather and the paper being parchment, and writes a novel-length letter in a matter of seconds. Then he whistles, all the while still in her bed of course, and a parrot flies into her room. She thought her door was closed, but apparently this does not matter.

"Carrier parrot."

"What else would it be."

She laughs.

"I love your style."

* * *

><p>It only takes half a day before a motivated Gabriel has everyone safe and sound on the ship. And by everyone, she means Sam, Dean, Crowley, Castiel, and, for some reason, a peg-legged <em>Bobby. <em>But when he putters around like his usual self calling everyone an idjit, she doesn't care. In fact, she's ecstatic. Every time he insults one of them, she giggles, and Gabriel looks on with a smile that makes her feel like he's her proud older brother.

The plan is amazingly simple. Sail to X coordinates and say a spell of some sort, and they are back in their cages.

That's where everything goes to shit on a cosmic level.

There are mermaids when they get there, and it's a cannibalistic frenzy as the creatures under the sea from the bowels of _hell _go batshit on everyone. She looks down on everything, from the navigating post all the way high up that no one knew the name of, and can only stare in horror as all of her idols are killed in front of her, flailing wildly like red shirts.

Gabriel looks up at her, everyone dead and turned to dust, his big eyes surrounded in blood and shaking. She can see this angel's heart breaking in his mind.

"Why?" She asks, unable to stop a tear from sliding down her face. It was all too fast, too sudden, no warning at all. Familiar banter interrupted by screams and blood, "Why!"

"Destiny." Gabriel whispers, and his voice echoes in her head so powerfully she almost believes him.

"Fuck your destiny!" She shouts, "It doesn't have to be this way, this stupid _fucked _up destiny that you've all created for yourselves. You all may be content to shovel the dirt over yourselves in the graves you built for yourselves, but it's _not my grave!_ And it's not yours, either! It's Lucifer's and Michael's and the two of their butt-hurt pussy feelings from the tantrum they threw at each other! You are above that, Gabriel. _They _were above that, and you killed them because you wouldn't fight!"

"I did fight!" He finally roared back, and she is temporarily muted from all of the archangel's fury. The skies darken and his wings flash and she is scared, "I fought, and _it wasn't enough! _I died! My own brother _killed me!_"

"Do you regret it?" She asks quietly.

The silence weighs heavy between them.

"No." He admits, the corner of his mouth quirking up, "Fat load of good I did, though, huh?"

Lucifer and Michael crash in the distance, a big fire blossoming in the heart of their collision.

"Look." He says, passively, "It's started."

"A contained blast." She insists, looking at him with pleading eyes, "We won. They're trapped. You're not. Come on, Gabriel."

She is suddenly next to him, kneeling down next to the broken angel and cradling his head once again. She rests her face in his neck and breathes the scent of skies, broken dreams, and grace.

She whispers, "Wake up."

And all turns to black.


	3. Something Better

It started off with a flicker. Less than a second of bare butt lying on Sam's bed before disappearing.

A familiar, manly bare ass.

Sam can't quite place where he's seen it before, but cannot get it out of his head. Whenever he closes his eyes, that image is glued to his brain.

It's very disturbing.

* * *

><p>He sees it again, an hour later, this time from a side view, and his eyes are burning a little bit.<p>

He's hallucinating, he knows this, but this time he recognizes the turning body for the half second that he sees it. That bare bottom belonged to none other than the angel he thought either dead or on another plane.

Not flickering bare-ass on his bed.

Gabriel.

"DEAN!" Sam asks as loud as he can, and Dean comes into the room with a mouthful of pie.

"What?" He says through his food, "She awake yet?"

"No, no, no, I just saw _Gabriel_."

"Where?" Dean's eyes narrow, and he huddles his plate of food a little closer to him.

"O-on my bed." His voice turns to a horrified whisper, "Naked."

Dean stares.

Takes another bite of pie.

Then he laughs uncontrollably.

"Oh, this is fucking rich."

"Shut up, Dean."

"First you're his butt-pirate, and now, what? He's showing off the goods? Is he," Dean chokes on a laugh, "_courting _you?"

"Shut up, jerk."

"Bitch." Dean says on reflex.

* * *

><p>"Ugh, 'm home." Says a muffled voice, and Elizabeth sits up, looks around, then then lies back down, "I'm getting sick of this shit."<p>

"Hey precious," Dean says with a pie-filled grin. He shows off his plate of pie victoriously to the girl who just woke up. She could never stop him.

"God, I love looking at how hot you guys are and all, and not needing to work for money and everything is cool, but can I please go home? Pretty please?"

"But you are home." A voice says from the bathroom, and the door opens to reveal Gabriel in a very nice looking tuxedo with a single rose in his hand, "Milady."

"Oh, bullshit." She snarls, "I have been kidnapped, tied up, imprisoned, I am fucking _tired! _Take me home or I swear to God it will not be pleasant for anyone! I saw _mermaids eating people!_"

"Don't swear at our father." Gabriel frowned at her, and Elizabeth frowned right back at him.

"I have no father. My family is notorious for having absent fathers and crazy tyrannical bitches for mothers."

"And now we're both done running away, right?"

"Who's running away? I'm _stuck _here! I want to run _back!_"

"Wow. I may have been in witness protection, but you really assumed your role, didn't you? I mean, it's _been _a few millenia, but-"

"Millenia?"

"Right. You don't remember."

"Remember what?"

"You're an angel, sweetheart. Not a very _bright _one, but-"

"Get the _fuck _out. What do you think I am?"

"Forgiven."

"What? I didn't do shit."

Gabriel appears in front of her, not bothering to walk, and puts two fingers to her forehead.

She falls back onto her bed with a flash of white.

"Okay. What the _hell _is going on here?" Dean asks, pie forgotten for once.

"I got my little sister back!" Gabriel exclaimed excitedly, holding up the poor girl's head and cradling it in his arms, "The packaging is a little too promiscuous, though. Don't want a pig going after it or anything."

He snaps and Elizabeth is wearing a thermal.

"Wait, are you saying she's an _angel?" _Sam asks.

"Not just _any _angel. One of the rebels, and my personal favorite." He smiles fondly, ruffling the girl's hair. "She didn't just fall down, no, she fell _sideways."_

_"Sideways?_"

"To another plane. A fond one of us angels for banishing. Balthy sent you there, didn't he?"

"My mind is blown." Dean puts down his pie.

"Her soul's been lost on that Earth for... Well, I lost count awhile ago. This little spitfire was practically born with emotion. And so high up on the food chain... Everyone except us big brothers were completely petrified of her. Hell, even we were afraid of her when she really got into it." He cocks his head to the side, "I always pictured her vessel as a redhead."

"I think there have been enough redheaded angel spitfires." Sam says slowly, "So you just knocked her out?"

"Oh, no, not at all. I gave her back her grace. I figured with angel anarchy and all, no one would be able to refute me bringing her back."

"How did find her?" Castiel asks, appearing out of nowhere. Dean doesn't even jump anymore.

"Castiel! Long time, no see. No holy oil this time, I see." Gabriel grins, "You remember Valoel, don't you?"

Castiel frowns, "Valoel has long since been lost to us."

Gabriel frowns right back, "And now she has been found."

"How were _you _found?" Castiel counters, and Gabriel rolls his eyes.

"You try having your grace floating around in the nowhere and _not _get bored out of your mind. How could I _not _find Val, wherever her little human creation was? Death was so monotonous. It was easy. Sure, she was muddled down a bit, but her soul is just a mask she put over her grace." He shrugs, "You'll get better at seeing these things in time."

Castiel gives him a little frown.

"When will she wake?"

"Soon, probably. She always had a good recovery time. Just like her big bro." Gabriel winked at Sam, and Sam gave him a little 'what-the-hell?' bitchface.

When she does wake up, she sits up calmly with a little glow around her that quickly fades. She clears her throat and everyone looks up from what they were doing to observe her.

"You are all very, very stupid." She says, finally.

"So being an angel hasn't changed her any." Dean mutters, turning back to another slice of pie.

"If you keep eating so much, you'll get fat." She retorts.

"Shut your mouth!" Dean shouts, the same time as Gabriel, who is munching on a slice of pie too, glares and yells, "Blasphemous!"

Sam snorts, and even Castiel quirks his lips for half of a second.

"So is this the happy end to the story? I get my memories back and I join the family with hugs and kisses?"

"Pretty much." Gabriel shrugs.

"And I thought Adam was jumping the shark." She muttered to herself, before quoting Chuck, "Well, it's not jumping the shark if you never come back down."

Then she pauses.

"Chuck." Her mind almost explodes.

"What about the prophet?" Castiel asks.

"Where's Chuck?"

"Dunno. Think he stopped writing after the apocalypse. Haven't really heard from him." Sam shrugged.

"Oh."

Chuck was their father. Or atleast she was pretty sure he was. But if he was there the whole time, living on Earth... Was he all of the prophets? Every human 'touched by the angel', really God in disguise.

Even Joan Osbourne could've been God, winking at all of existence. What if God was one of us... singing on stage about how God was one of us.

"Val?" Gabriel asks.

She shakes her head.

"Why am I wearing a thermal?"

"So Dean can't see your goodies." Gabriel responds with a waggle of his eyebrows.

"As if I have to worry about the _brothers._" She scoffs, walking over to her pile of clothing and getting something to change into, "When the two of you are here? Please. The tension in this room is killing me."

She shuts the door of the bathroom to horrified silence.

"I am unaware of what Valoel is referring to." Castiel admits.

Gabriel laughs.

Dean, incredibly flustered and frustrated with the angel (angel? _Really? _What the fuck? And _still _with the gay jokes,) eats the rest of his pie, then storms out of the room.

"Dean, where are you going?" Sam calls.

"For a drive!" He slams the door shut.

In a few minutes, she's back in the room, unsurprised that Dean is gone.

"So, Val, what's on the agenda now?" Gabriel asks excitedly. He is on a _roll _today. Mental breakthroughs, breakthroughs through space and time, there was nothing he couldn't break through. Maybe he'd try Sam's pants, next.

"Divine intervention."

She looks pointedly at Castiel. Gabriel, incredibly amused and following his little sister's lead, gives Cas a blue steel look.

Sam looks incredibly confused.

She leans forward and hisses, "I know _everything_."

"Everything?" Castiel asks in his deadpan voice, cocking an eyebrow.

She nods.

"And the royal 'we' are _not amused_."

Gabe whispers to Sam excitedly, "She's such a little revolutionist."

"The world's never going to be the same, is it?" Sam asks.

"Valoel was known as the Angel of Peace." Gabriel explains with an evil little smirk, "One time when she couldn't get it, she got so angry her temper flooded the Earth and shook the heavens. Luckily Noah had some woodworking skills."

Sam blinks.

"Hell hath no fury..." He mutters to himself.

"It's going to be _fun, _now that she's back. And now that _I'm _back?" Gabriel rubbed his hands together as Val chewed out Cas so vaguely the two spectators had no clue what she was referring to.

Sam doesn't know if all this is a good thing or not, but...

The war would be over in a week. Tops.

* * *

><p><span>Author's Note:<span> I would like to thank angel-guide(dot)com for all of the angel names, for I do not know much about them myself.

This is as much of an ending it's going to get. This never really had much of a timeline, except for 'sometime after the French Mistake', but I couldn't resist putting a little jab at the latest episodes. I have yet to see the Man Who Would Be King, but I am expecting many emotions, so I have a tissue box prepared for it.

All of these chapters have been named after Muppet Treasure Island songs, along with the name of the entire story.

Hope you all enjoyed! Reviews always make me happy, especially the ones I've been getting lately. Thank you, lovely people, for reading.


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